"Your focus is not ON being HAPPY. The focus is on NOT being UNHAPPY."

Danielle LaPorte (The Desire Map)

Full disclosure... I read a lot of self development books. Some are hokey and nothing more than a rehash of the old Stuart Smalley, from SNL, line "You're good enough, smart enough and dog gone it, people like you." But then there are the books that have flavor, like The Desire Map. I love reading this book as much as I love hot cocoa with whipped cream AND marshmallows. It's warm and full of good stuff. But, it gives you that sweet feeling that you're going to own your life and it's going to be amazing.

I specifically asked for Hot cocoa with whipped cream and marshmallows. You give me Bailey's and Kraken!! Genius.

I am, I think, on my third read through and for some reason the quote above stuck out to me this time. "Your focus is not on being happy. The focus is on not being unhappy." How true that statement is for most people. What makes you happy? Do you really know? For most of us it's tough to get our minds to dig deep enough to answer that more than superficially. Our predictable answer is my family, my dog or in some cases, VODKA! Very rarely do we allow ourselves to state where our true happiness lies because once you go there the fear of not attaining it kicks in. Instead we focus on how NOT to be unhappy. Just good enough to not be scared by it. Adequate to care for our families, get the basic needs met. "I'm doing this less than stellar work because I can afford my rent and I'm not crying in an alley." Maybe that was too much, but do you see the problem?

When I realized that I was living my life this way, unconsciously, it made me want to vomit. 39 years of "That's good enough.", "I'm fine.", "I can't afford that vacation." When my inner desire was screaming to be on the beach because that it is one of the places that makes me ecstatically happy. Limiting beliefs are everywhere. What kind of a life is one spent focusing on not being unhappy? Is it rich? Is it filled with pleasure and engagement? Does it pass down generations? Where is the legacy in it? I come from a long line of "good enough." My mind, as I was writing this, is still so conditioned to the not being unhappy formula that I actually tried to justify it to myself as a "not so bad" option and talk myself out of finishing this post. The difference between me now and me 2 years ago is that I am now engaged in a full on war with my conditioning. I wasn't taught to achieve. I was taught to survive and even that I taught myself. Happy? That was a luxury purchase at a store I couldn't afford. Only recently, as I am nearing 40, have I begun to reach for that box on the high shelf where I stashed all my hopes and dreams. Yes, they've aged and changed, as all dreams do. It's a sure thing that no matter what positive thoughts I throw at it I will not be marrying John Taylor, from Duran Duran. Sad to say. The things I wanted to do, places to go, these are all still with me. My focus now is firmly set on being happy. This blog makes me happy because of the people I share it with. My work makes me happy because I change lives. My daughter makes me happy because she is a person of worth and talent, not my reflection.

How do you get to the place where you can focus on your happiness? You learn about yourself. Yes, you gotta study YOU! Break it down and dig into the places that you don't want to go. It's not a switch that you flip one day and a bright light pops on and all of a sudden you're golden. To get to your "core desired feelings", another gem from The Desire Map, you have to figure out why you do what you do. What are you afraid of and why? How long have you felt that way? And why? Quiz yourself like a six year old would.

Not my kid, but you get the point!! He wants to know everything. NOW!

It's a process. Once you start learning what and who you are, you will start to see where to look for your true happiness. The world is not meant to break you down. It's the people who have lost sight of their desired feelings that break down the world. Don't join their ranks. Don't cower and hide from them either. Get quiet with yourself and take the time to recognize your desired feelings and what makes you happy. Then stand up tall and go get it. Despite what is said against you or what is placed in your path. Change yourself and then go help someone else change. It might take awhile, but we've got all the time in the world.

Share this post if you're ready to focus on being happy. I'd love to hear what that is and how you're going to get it. We're all learning and our best teachers are each other. Comment below or engage on the AgentJ.co Facebook page.

Content by: AgenT

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